Vol 11 #8 Post-traumatic Hippie Syndrome: Real or Imagined?

Trailer 34 news agency reported today that a recent study shows past and present Omega Institute seasonal staff rank far beyond the national average in lifetime achievement. The study, funded by the Dyson Foundation, took a random analysis of the approximately 6000 seasonal staff who worked as seasonal staff at Omega during the past 15 years, and catalogued their accomplishments.
“We were encouraged by the findings of the study,” said Staff Programs Coordinator Brett Bevell. “Staff often succumb to the propaganda that they aren’t doing anything with their lives…what some people call post-traumatic Hippie Syndrome, but the study shows that just isn’t the case.”

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Vol 11 # 7 John of God Changes Fashion: Psychedelic Tie Dye Clothing In

T34 news agency reported today that John of God will not be wearing his typical all white attire when he is performing healings at Omega Institute. The noted healer has made it clear instead that this year in honor of the 40^th anniversary of Woodstock he will be wearing hippie tie dye attire instead.

In a statement issued to the press yesterday, Medium Joao as he is often called, stated that the entities who work through him love rock music and want to honor the fact they are so close to the vicinity of where the historic three day Woodstock Music and Peace festival occurred 40 years ago. When asked if he could see people’s auras without the white attire, he responded that Jimmie Hendrix is now one of the channeled entities he works with, and that late guitarist can help John of God see through any variation of color, especially any type of purple haze.

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Vol 11 # 6. Mayor Milford Illuminates The Passion of Omega As Burning Person Event Rises From The Ashes

Trailer 34 news agency reported today that Mayor Andrew Milford has indeed struck a deal with the Village council of Trailer Park, NY to host the annual Burning Person event once again. The brokered deal came about after a long debate over who should fund the expensive but fabulous event, and eventually a compromise was reached that would encourage attendees to contribute time, beverages, and assist in any way possible to make the event one that is of the people, for the people and by the people

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Vol 11 #5. The Men of Maintenance Expose Their Tools For New Omega Calendar

Trailer 34 news agency reported today that Omega Institute’s Maintenance Department is rebranding their image by creating the first annual Men of Maintenance Calendar. “People want to see us in action,” said Maintenance spokesperson Adam Hall. “This goes beyond Danny’s barbecue, and far beyond any hidden trophies under Chuck’s desk. This is the real work, a photographic essay of who we are and what we mean to Omega.”

The original idea of a calendar came from seasonal staff member Maureen Drake. “I always wanted to work closely with these guys,” she said. “And this was my chance. Really, when it comes down to it, I think most of them are male models at heart, true naturals when it comes to letting the camera know their bodies.”

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Vol 11 #4 - Homer Simpson Files for Damages: Randal Roberts Miffed!

Trailer 34 news agency reported today that American legend Homer Simpson has filed for damages against Omega Dining Hall Manager Randal Roberts, stating that the enlightened cover art of Mr. Simpson on this months Chronogram is detrimental to Mr. Simpson’s livelihood. The charges go on to claim that Homer Simpson’s income depends on the general public viewing him as unintelligent, ignorant and selfish, all of which are qualities that Mr. Robert’s painting undermines. Mr. Simpson’s youthful attorney, Bart Simpson, issued the following statement on behalf of his father and client. “Yo’ dude! Give it up! The only good thing about my dad is his appetite. Painting him to look like a Saint is going to cost our whole family lots of dough!"

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Vol 11 #3. Sherriff is Back in Town to Quell Forces of Chaos: Grand Opening set for TPWCSL

Trailer 34 news agency reported today that Sherriff Champagne has been summoned by high ranking members of Omega Institute and Trailer Park, NY to restore spiritual order in the region. Sheriff Champagne, who has always been known for her strict enforcement of the Staff Handbook, and for creatively re-educating criminals by making them hold Downward Dog for days on end, has been seen as the only answer to recent outbursts of chaotic behavior in the region.

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Vol11 #2. Oompa Loompas Discovered in OCSL: Deportation Battle Begins

Trailer 34 news agency reported today that Jeffrey Reel has discovered a family of Oompa Loompa’s living inside of the OCSL. The Oompa Loompa family, whose names have not been disclosed by authorities, have been seeking refuge from Willie Wonka’s famed Chocolate Factory, and mistook the OCSL as a suitable replacement for their previous home.

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Vol.11 #1. Jai Ho Again! Slumdogs Recover Stolen Bowling Trophy

Trailer 34 news agency reported today that the 2009 Bowling Champions Omega Slumdogs successfully recovered the Omega championship bowling trophy at 11:13am Sunday morning. The Slumdogs have been planning the secret mission for weeks, and struck swiftly in a morning reconnaissance mission to recover the stolen cherished trophy after the order was given by Mayor Andrew Milford.

“We used a combination of remote viewing, a tip from an anonymous spirit guide, plus some special forces training with former Omega Sheriff Cheryl Champagne,” said Brett Bevell, the one who organized the trophy rescue mission on Mayor Milford’s behalf. “Once the location was fully known, it was only a matter of waiting for the right time to strike.”

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#8. Bear Hauled Away in Stretch Limo by SPCA: Faculty Support Miffed

Trailer 34 news agency reported today that the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals send an emergency task force under the guise of a stretch limo to rescue the bear recently spotted wandering around Omega campus. The bear was fitted with white robes and secretly escorted into the limo camouflaged as Omega catalog faculty. Though the Faculty Support team did experience some confusion around the matter, no casualties were reported and both the bear and faculty support team are reported to be safe and in good condition.

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#7. This Brand Is Your Brand This Brand Is My Brand

Trailer 34 news agency reported today that the Omega Wellness Center will soon offer branding as one of the Wellness Center services. Several branding irons, each with sacred symbols on them, have been imported from the Balinese village of Kintimani, a village known more for its mysterious and somewhat ghoulish open cemeteries than for its craftsmanship.

The branding services will take place in the sauna during morning hours, when the sauna is not open to the public. Each branding iron will be heated on the dry sauna, then applied delicately by the festively dressed Balian, or Balinese shaman. A full body scrub laced with Novocain will then follow each branding session to alleviate any temporary pain to the guests.

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#6. Mayor Thwarts Assassination Attempt! Trailer Park Ready for Mayor’s Third Term

Trailer 34 news agency reported today that Mayor Andrew Milford wrestled an assailant to the ground to stave off a second assassination attempt in two years. “The inauguration will go on,” the mayor said, in a press conference shortly after the incident.

The assailant, a long term feline advocate according to reports from the Mayor’s Office, was suffering from mental duress upon hearing the rumor that Mayor Milford was planning to re-instate the Cat Tax, a tax which for years was Trailer Park, New York’s primary source of revenue.

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#5. Mayor Takes over Chef Bob’s Mansion: Use of Public Funds in Question

Trailer 34 reported today that Trailer Park Mayor Andrew Milford has officially changed his residence to what was formerly the mansion of well known culinary artist Bob Turner. However, some criticism has been levied at the Mayor for using Trailer Park treasury funds to purchase the new residence.  
“It is the only property fitting for both the official and unofficial duties I have as Mayor,” said Mayor Milford. “We have officially changed the street address of the new residence, so as not to confuse postal workers who carry truck loads of fan mail to me each day.” 

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#4. Jai Ho! Omega Slumdogs Roll To Victory!

Trailer 34 news agency announced today the Omega Slumdogs are winners of the 2009 Omega Bowling Championship. The Slumdogs, who edged Operations in game one of the tournament by a razor thin margin, pulled away during game two, offering a knockout blow in frame six of three strikes and three spares, finishing the game with an impressive 868 points. 

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Web exclusive!

#3. Mayor Milford Seeking Third Term Officials Expect Large Turnout for April 1st Election

Trailer 34 news agency reported today that Mayor Andrew Milford is gearing up for an unprecedented third term as Mayor of Trailer Park, NY.
Mayor Milford, running on a platform of hope and transparency, issued an executive order insuring that the polls would stay open as registered voters were in line on election day. Officials expect a very large turnout, and are upgrading the parking lot and bathrooms of all Trailer Park polling venues to be able to handle the potential onslaught of voters. For a list of where to vote on election day, please go to www.Mayor.gov to discover where you should cast your vote.

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