#8. Bear Hauled Away in Stretch Limo by SPCA: Faculty Support Miffed

Trailer 34 news agency reported today that the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals send an emergency task force under the guise of a stretch limo to rescue the bear recently spotted wandering around Omega campus. The bear was fitted with white robes and secretly escorted into the limo camouflaged as Omega catalog faculty. Though the Faculty Support team did experience some confusion around the matter, no casualties were reported and both the bear and faculty support team are reported to be safe and in good condition.

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#7. This Brand Is Your Brand This Brand Is My Brand

Trailer 34 news agency reported today that the Omega Wellness Center will soon offer branding as one of the Wellness Center services. Several branding irons, each with sacred symbols on them, have been imported from the Balinese village of Kintimani, a village known more for its mysterious and somewhat ghoulish open cemeteries than for its craftsmanship.

The branding services will take place in the sauna during morning hours, when the sauna is not open to the public. Each branding iron will be heated on the dry sauna, then applied delicately by the festively dressed Balian, or Balinese shaman. A full body scrub laced with Novocain will then follow each branding session to alleviate any temporary pain to the guests.

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#6. Mayor Thwarts Assassination Attempt! Trailer Park Ready for Mayor’s Third Term

Trailer 34 news agency reported today that Mayor Andrew Milford wrestled an assailant to the ground to stave off a second assassination attempt in two years. “The inauguration will go on,” the mayor said, in a press conference shortly after the incident.

The assailant, a long term feline advocate according to reports from the Mayor’s Office, was suffering from mental duress upon hearing the rumor that Mayor Milford was planning to re-instate the Cat Tax, a tax which for years was Trailer Park, New York’s primary source of revenue.

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